OUR EDITORIAL TEAM

 

Front row left to right: Editor Harry A. Longbaugh, alias the Sundance Kid; Sports Editor Ben Kilpatrick, alias the Tall Texan; Theatre Critic Robert Leroy Parker, alias Butch Cassidy; Standing- Sub-Editor Will Carver, alias News Carver and Copy Boy Harvey Logan, alias Kid Curry.

SPAIN WINS WORLD CUP. DIRTY DUTCH TAKE HAMMER THROWING TITLE.

By Halftime O'Toley

In the end there was only a single goal between Spain and Holland in the World Cup Final - but that was due to an English referee who had apparently lost his rule book.

The hapless Mr. Webb, a policeman from somewhere or other, kept things balanced by failing to send off the worst of the Dutch hammer throwers Van Bommel, Robben and De Jong, all of whom should have been up in front of the South African magistrates after an unruly match in which a remarkably restrained Spanish team demonstrated exactly why they are currently the best footballing nation on earth.

Had Webb been up to the job, the Netherlands would have been reduced to eight or nine men and the Dutch keeper would have risked serious injury from the resulting fusillade of shots on his goal from the lively Spanish forwards.

To the victors our thanks for a marvellous summer fiesta of football. To the Dutch losers another four years - hopefully more - in the sporting wilderness. They were an absolute disgrace to the country that gave us Cruyff, Van Basten. Rep and the other masters of total football.

WAYNE'S KNEE KNOCKED OUT OF WORLD CUP. MILLIONS MOURN. SCOTS REJOICE. GERMANS CHUCKLE AND DRESS UP IN BEST UNIFORMS.

By Halftime O'Toley

England's millionaire footballers are on the way home after a dismal World Cup campaign which saw them squeak a result against Slovenia, (population Bert, Edith and a stray springer spaniel), and  become a laughing stock when they played against mighty Algeria and the United States of Netball.

Naturally enough, a last 16 collision with Germany was to prove too much for the legendary knee attached to Wayne Rooney. The knee itself looked quite well, but little Shrek has been at the pies and is now unable to run. We expect he will claim Disability Allowance on his return to Liverpool. At the moment he is the only scally in the city who gets nowt and has had to supplement his £120,000 per week wage from Manchester United by stealing hubcaps.

Man. U. boss, Sir Alex Ferguson, described this situation as 'a national disgrace' but was quick to point out that his opinion had nothing to do with the fact that he loses three sets of hubcaps a week.

                     

                        

                                                                            Shrek                   

The German coach, Obersturmgruppenfuhrer Joachim Low, said: "For you Englanders the war is over. Our knees are superior in every way to your knees." The coach then graciously stood down the Panzer division that was poised to invade Tooting and bought everyone a beer.

Back in England millions are in mourning, but the country's owners Mr and Mrs Windsor, who are Greek and German respectively, don't give a toss. Neither do the four million Scots who have applied for German citizenship since last Sunday.

SAVILLE INQUIRY SPENDS £200 MILLION TO MAKE LOTS OF LAWYERS RICH. McGUINNESS FORGETS WHETHER OR NOT HE SHOT ANYONE.

By Spud O'Houlihan

Sir Jimmy Saville's inquiry into the events of Bloody Sunday drew to a conclusion when everyone involved in the process died of old age.

Lots of nice lawyers were given money to buy houses in Marbella, visit bordellos and get cheerfully drunk.

       

                                                  Amnesia sufferer Martin McGuinness

Saville said that all of our soldiers were guilty of killing innocent civilians, some of whom, like Martin McGuiness, were carrying semi-automatic rifles as they went about their own business.

Mr McGuinness, deputy First Minister of Northern ireland is paid £250,000 in wages and expenses each year not to kill us all by a grateful British nation.

On Bloody Sunday he thinks he may or may not have been armed and may or may not have killed people, (that's alright then.Ed), but you don't really need a good memory to become a politician.

Sir Jimmy Saville is 93.

QUEEN GIVES CATHERINE ZETA JONES ONE

By Marmaduke Pottytrainer

Having pretty well run out of people to give honours to, Her Maj had to rummage around for quite some time in the bottom of the barrel to come up with the latest lot.

In the event she unearthed the name of a forgotten actress, (yes really, she was once on the telly with David Jason), and former Welsh person Catherine Zeta Jones.

          

                                                                                   Miss Jones CBE

The personable Miss Jones was made a CBE for services to films, (she didn't make any), and to charity, 'cos she bought a flag from the Salvation Army one day in December.

Surprisingly there was no mention in the citation of her success in keeping sex beast Michael Douglas off the streets. She managed this by the cunning tactic of marrying him and threatening to take all of his money off him in the divorce court should he challenge Tiger Woods to some horizontal rascality.

So I suppose Lizzie got this one right - in a roundabout sort of way,

BROWN GETS THE LAST LAUGH BY FILLING THE LORDS WITH DEADBEATS AND COMIC SINGERS

By Horatio Hootenanny

Failed PM Gordonzola Brown has given the fingers to the British electorate as a last act of defiance.

Paw Broon this week packed the House of Lords with the biggest bunch of comic singers and chancers this side of Wormwood Scrubs. A rabble designed to make last year's buffoon, Mick Martin,  look almost suave and sophisticated by comparison.

  

    'Lord' John Prescott and his favourite squeeze, who isn't his missus.

Ladeez an' genelmen, we give you 'Lord' John ('I'll never accept a peerage') Prescott, ship's waiter and adulterer. He has accepted it without putting up much of a fight.

Then there is  'Lord' John (Tiny Tim) Reid, Celtic chairman who toured the TV studios as Blair's official liar when Nu Labour was trying to persuade us that Saddam Hussein was a Bad Man. Reid's style is that of the the archetypal North Lanarkshire man with an IQ in the low single figures but who makes up for this with an almost Neanderthal cunning. Actually we quite like him 'cos he looks seriously silly.

Add 'Lord' Ian ( no Pope here. No surrender anywhere. King Billy rules) Paisley, the fake church minister and all round religious idiot. He surrendered to IRA frontmen McGuinness and Adams, but we always knew he would. At one time he was dangerous, but now he is irrelevant.

            

                        Mince this way.  'Lord' Joke McConnell

More? Ok, how about 'Lord' Jack (known in his native Scotland as Joke) McConnell, failed schoolteacher, failed Scottish First Minister and failed saviour of Malawi. Only Graham Norton could have looked more camp than our Jack when he wore that pin stripe skirt in New York. A whole nation was black affronted. Sailors on Broadway were ecstatic.

Throw in Robert Maxwell's one-time snitch and willy minder, 'Baroness' Helen (Stalin's granny) Liddell, who came last in the Miss Coatbridge pageant in 1948, (the only time there was no argument about the result),  and you have some another warmer. Some coupon, eh?

          

                           Holy Moley it's 'Baroness' Liddell...!

Others worth a bit of derision are 'Lord' Ian Blair, ex-Metropolitan Police, (Boris Johnson sacked him), head bummer and scourge of innocent Brazilians and the dim but otherwise harmless ex-children's TV presenter 'Lady' Floella Benjamin and you can imagine old Gordonzola splitting his sides in the Cayman Islands where he has gone to have a quick look at his money.

And for all these years we didn't think he had a sense of humour......

UNEMPLOYED MAN (59) FOUND SQUATTING IN 10 DOWNING STREET.

By Fiona Legge-Finche

A Metropolitan Police spokesman today confirmed that a 59-year old Scotsman has been squatting in the PM's Downing Street residence since the early hours of Friday morning. The man is described as being scruffy, overweight with gnawed fingernails and a tendency to shout loudly and throw telephones and glass eyes at passers-by.

'Quite frankly,' said PC Saddam Iqbal, an illegal immigrant undertaking community service in the police, 'he is a bit of a tosser, but as he claims to be a born-again gypsy we have no power to drag him out and give him a swift kicking. Bit of a liberty if you ask me.'

                                             

                                               The Downing Street dosser

It is understood that the man, named as G.Brown, is being represented by Cherie Blair QC and has secured a plateful of dainty sandwiches and a pot of tea while he awaits his first Giro.

Ms Blair said: 'Poor Mr. Brown will of course be granted legal aid as he fights to stay in situ.

'Naturally this will amount to a considerable sum and most of it will end up on my tail, but as I have lots of houses and a mad husband to keep, that's fair enough dearie. I'm a scouser, so it's either that or I nick your stereo.'

What a common woman.

BRITAIN TO RECLAIM THE UNITED STATES

             

                  By  Ebenezer Moriarty 24 January 2010

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Neither does she want Mr. Tiger Woods anywhere near her corgis.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

PAW BROON NAMES THE DAY. NOBODY GIVES A TOSS...From Our Parliamentary Correspondent, Seamus O'Backhander

             

               Our Great Leader and Dunfermline's village idiot, Gordon Brown

Gordon Buffoon, unelected leader of the now unelectable Nu Labour bunch of spivs, home flippers and phantom shelving specialists, has decided that the British people will be allowed to vote for a new Government next month. Shortly after making this announcement to an excited crowd of Sarah Brown and next door's dog he fell down drunk and was taken away by a nice man from Social Services.

So what does this momentous news mean to the electorate: that's you, me  and Mr Patel from the corner shop.

Well, we will have to pay more taxes, but then we always do that after a General Election. Then the new PM, Dave Spart, (Conservative and Unionist Tax Evaders) will say the country is in a mess and that it is all Gordon Brown's fault. In fact for the next twelve years or so - until Dave also gets pissed and falls down - everything from Manchester United and Liverpool going into administration to Bruce Forsyth dramatically dying on Strictly Come Dancing in a last desperate attempt at getting a knighthood will be Paw Broon's fault.

At some point we will be invaded by France because some members of the UK government have been going around saying President Sarkozy is a dwarf and that Tiger Woods has his wife's phone number.

By early summer Wayne Rooney will have broken his foot again and David Beckham will have acquired a tattoo of Lionel Messi in case people have forgotten who he is - especially as he will be a sub for Accrington Stanley by this time. So that will be England's chances of winning the World Cup down the khazi.

Meanwhile you, me and Mr Patel (who's corner shop will have been seized by the bank) can go and get stuffed. That's democracy for you.

TORIES GO BUSH WITH SLOGANS

All this week we have had Conservative Party members trotting from one TV studio to the other muttering about 'change.' This is the new buzzword they have been told to repeat until those of us who make up the electorate get it through our thick skulls that we, er, need to change something or other. Oh yes - how about a change of government?

At one point George Osborne managed to say 'change' 40 times in 190 seconds on the Andrew Marr Show on BBC.  Call Me Dave must really have been proud of him.

Well, this is no way to boost a poll rating currently in freefall. In fact even that greatest of political illiterates, George W. Bush, recognised that it was all baloney when he said:

"Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, 'Vote for me. I'm an agent of change.' In 2004, I said, 'I'm not interested in change --I want to continue as president.' Every candidate has got to say 'change.' That's what the American people expect." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 5, 2008

Call Me Dave, by picking up and running with this nonsense,  has demonstrated that he is less intellectually astute than even the Texas 'missing link.' Worse, the 'C' word was totally maxed out during Barack Obama's charge to the Oval Office.

Obama has now been in power for a year. Nothing - as even his most ardent supporters will concede - has changed for Americans since.

Has there ever been a more meaningless word? 

DR. PAISLEY TO RIDE OFF INTO THE POLITICAL SUNSET (ON A WHITE HORSE, NATURALLY).....

Ulster's Dr. No, (no surrender, No pope here, no Fenians), Ian Paisley, has announced his intention to bide farewell to the political arena.

Famed for his firebrand oratory, Mr Paisley was a founding member of the Free Presbyterian Church in Ireland in 1951. His evangelical theology heavily influenced his political views and throughout the Troubles he forthrightly denounced Catholicism and the papacy.

During the conflict he was a fierce critic of power-sharing with nationalists and of the Republic of Ireland having a say in Northern Ireland's affairs.

But in his later political life, the one-time cheer-leader for hardline unionism underwent somewhat of a political conversion which finally saw him enter office with his long-time enemy, Sinn Fein.

His decision to accept the position of First Minister alongside Deputy First Minister and former IRA commander Martin McGuinness in 2007 saw him hailed as a peacemaker by moderates but criticised by many former followers who accused him of betraying Ulster.

What proved almost more remarkable was the warmth of the relationship the two erstwhile foes developed during their year in officer together, leading some to dub them the 'Chuckle Brothers'.

Mr Paisley stood down as First Minister in 2008. He was replaced by his long-time DUP deputy leader, Peter Robinson.

Mr Paisley told the Ballymena Guardian it had been a privilege to represent the area but it was time for a new generation of politicians to build on his legacy.

'I have no doubt the people of North Antrim will again support the DUP at the next election,' he said.

Reflecting on his political career, he said he had 'no regrets' about the landmark decision to go into power with Sinn Fein three years ago.

'After a period of tough negotiations it was my view that, provided our conditions were met, the overwhelming majority of the people of Northern Ireland wanted me to do the deal, it was as simple as that.'

Mr Paisley said he was unhappy that some DUP members, including Mr Allister, left the party in the wake of the move, but insisted he had made the right choice.

APPLE'S ROTTEN CORE EXPOSED AS CHILD LABOUR SCANDAL BREAKS

Computer giant Apple is in the khaki after whistleblowers revealed that it uses Asian child labour sweatshops to manufacture its products at throwaway prices. 'Stards!

At least eleven 15-year-old children were discovered to be working last year in three factories which supply Apple.

The company did not name the offending factories, or say where they were based, but the majority of its goods are assembled in China.

Apple also has factories working for it in Taiwan, Singapore, the Philippines, Malaysia, Thailand, the Czech Republic and the United States.

Apple said the child workers are now no longer being used, or are no longer underage. "In each of the three facilities, we required a review of all employment records for the year as well as a complete analysis of the hiring process to clarify how underage people had been able to gain employment," Apple said, in an annual report on its suppliers.

Apple has been repeatedly criticised for using factories that abuse workers and where conditions are poor. Last week, it emerged that 62 workers at a factory that manufactures products for Apple and Nokia had been poisoned by n-hexane, a toxic chemical that can cause muscular degeneration and blur eyesight. Apple has not commented on the problems at the plant, which is run by Wintek, in the Chinese city of Suzhou.

A spokesman for Wintek said that "almost all" of the affected workers were back at work, but that some remained in hospital. Wintek said n-hexane was commonly used in the technology industry, and that problems had arisen because some areas of the factory were not ventilated properly.

Last year, an employee at Foxconn, the Taiwanese company that is one of Apple's biggest suppliers, committed suicide after being accused of stealing a prototype for the iPhone.

Sun Danyong, 25, was a university graduate working in the logistics department when the prototype went missing. An investigation revealed that the factory's security staff had beaten him, and he subsequently jumped to his death from the 12th floor of his apartment building.

NATO STORMS HELMAND AS TALEBAN FIGHTERS GO OFF ON HOLIDAY

Some 15,000 coalition troops swept into Helmand province Afghanistan this week in the largest operation against insurgents to date.

 

Apparently it went well, except for the fact that the Taleban, who can read newspapers, moved out before the troops arrived.

To date some 12 Afghan civilians and seven suspected Taleban fighters have been killed while the coalition force lost five dead and an indeterminate number wounded.

Not exactly a result.....

  SQUEAKY BUM TIME

   Inspector Knacker Closes In On Crooked MPs

                                                     February 7 2010

• Jim (Phantom Shelving) Devine argues his case is a matter for parliament, not court

Speaking as speculation mounted that the politicians, including Livingston MP Jim Devine, may try to escape prosecution by claiming parliamentary privilege, Mr Johnson said the public would be "aghast" if they relied on the Westminster convention to avoid court action.

On Friday, it was announced three Labour MPs and one Conservative peer will be prosecuted for false accounting after the English Director of Public Prosecutions decided there was sufficient evidence to bring charges under the Theft Act.

Mr Devine is accused of using a series of false invoices to claim £3,240 for cleaning and maintenance services in his second home as well as £5,500 for office stationery.

He later admitted to submitting fake invoices but denied the false accounting charges on the basis he had not benefited from the deception.

He also claimed the appropriate forum for disciplining him and his Labour colleagues David Chaytor and Elliot Morley, as well as Tory peer Lord Hanningfield, was in Westminster, prompting fears that the group would attempt to claim parliamentary privilege made them immune from prosecution.

It is now understood lawyers for the four are preparing defences based on the claim that their expenses are a "proceeding of parliament", protected from prosecution by the 1698 Bill of Rights.

Keir Starmer, the DPP, has indicated he is happy for this defence to be tested in court, but yesterday senior politicians lined up to denounce the move.

Mr Johnson said: "My colleagues in parliament should get a fair trial. That fair trial should be on the same basis as any member of the public that goes through the court system. They should go through the courts system."

He went on: "The point about this dreadful, damaging year we have had is that people want to see MPs treated in the same way they would be treated had they broken the law.

"Very few MPs have broken the law. There has been issues about expenses, there have been issues about how the system is run and all of that is being tackled.

"A few – very few – have been thought to have broken the law. That is the accusation. They are entitled to a fair trial.

"The public would be aghast if they thought there was some special 'get out of jail card' for parliamentarians."

Shadow business secretary Ken Clark said: "It strikes me as very fanciful to think that parliamentary privilege can be invoked.

"Parliamentary privilege exists to preserve the right to free speech – you do have to keep parliamentary privilege in the debating chambers," he said.

"I'd be absolutely astonished and completely appalled actually if parliamentary privilege was invoked for such charges."

Shadow foreign secretary William Hague added: "They should face prosecution, in the courts.

"The Bill of Rights was intended to secure the freedom of members of parliament to speak freely rather than be at threat from an over-powerful monarch."

Anger over MPs' expenses showed no signs of abating yesterday as it emerged that the timing of any criminal trial is likely to preclude the MPs from being banned from collecting their resettlement grants.

Strict racial segregation existed when Archer volunteered to be a pilot. He and like-minded African-Americans were at first rejected because many people thought black men lacked intelligence, skill, courage and patriotism. Eventually, in June 1941, a series of legislative moves by the US Congress forced the Army Air Corps to form an all-black combat unit, despite the War Department's reluctance. The pilots trained at a segregated Army Air Corps unit at Tuskegee Army Airfield, Alabama, and for ever more became known as the "Tuskegee Airmen".

Lee A Archer was born on September 6 1919 in Yonkers and raised in New York's Harlem district. He left New York University to enlist in the air corps in 1941 but, after rejection, trained in the infantry and then as a signaller. In December 1942 he was accepted for pilot training and left for Tuskegee. He graduated in July 1943, first in the order of merit, and was commissioned as a second lieutenant. 

Archer was assigned to 302nd Fighter Squadron of 332nd Fighter Group, the USAAF's first all-black unit, which had been formed amid great controversy in October 1942. The group moved to Italy early in February 1944 and soon began operations flying the Bell P-39 Airacobra on ground attack missions before converting to the P-51 Mustang, when their main role was to provide close escort to the USAAF's heavy bomber forces. In their red-tailed Mustangs they developed a reputation as one of the war's most effective fighter escort groups. It was claimed that they never lost a bomber, but postwar research suggests this might be a slight exaggeration. Nevertheless, the "Red Tails" earned near-mythic status.

On July 18 1944 they flew their first escort for a large formation of B-24 bombers. When a fierce air battle ensued over southern Germany, eleven Messerschmitt Bf 109s were shot down, one by Archer. The long-range Mustangs were able to accompany the bombers all the way to the target and back, and the bomber pilots always felt safe once their "little friends" had joined the formation. Many were unaware that all their "friends" were black airmen

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO DUFFY?    

            

                                     Award Winning Welsh Warbler Goes AWOL

Remember cute Welsh chanteuse Aimee Duffy?

In 2008 she was never off our TV screens, making guest appearances here, there and everywhere while songs from her Rockferry album were featured as backgrounds in soaps, plays and anything else requiring some extra atmosphere.

Then came the overseas tours and the Brit awards from which Aimee staggered carrying enough of them to furnish an apartment.

Then what?

Nothing.

Even Duffy's official website stagnated. It didn't change from June 2009 until this month when it announced that Duffy was up for some special award at the 2010 Brits.

Meanwhile there have been no hit albums, no cosy chats on the GMTV sofa with Lorraine or spots on Late Night With Jools Holland.

If Aimee's star has crashed and burned already then that is sad. The girl has real talent.

MICROSOFT MAKES BILLIONS FROM WINDOWS 7
                                                              January 30 2010

Record-breaking sales of Windows 7 – the latest version of the group's universal operating system, which was launched in October – led to pre-tax profits nearly doubling in its operating systems division to $5.4bn. And the irony is that they should be giving it away free as a fix for the God-awful Vista it replaces.

The results highlight Microsoft's stanglehold on operating system software. According to figures from Net Intelligence, the company has a 92 per cent share of the market, with its nearest rivals – Apple and Linux – holding 5 per cent and 1 per cent stakes respectively.

Microsoft has sold more than 60 million Windows 7 licenses making it the fastest selling operating system in history.

Chief operating officer Kevin Turner said: "This is a record quarter for Windows units. We are thrilled by the consumer reception to Windows 7 and by business enthusiasm."

Peter Klein, chief financial officer, added: "Exceptional demand for Windows 7 led to the positive top-line growth."

While domestic customers queued up to buy the latest operating system, big companies kept their hands in their pockets, and the division that makes Office and other business products posted a 3 per cent revenue dip.

Meanwhile, in the Deep South.......


BLAIR STILL LIVING THE LIE

"I believed in Saddam's WMDs," he insists.

January 29 2010

Former PM Tony Blair is still living in a self-created fantasy world as he continues to insist that - as far as he knew - Saddam Hussein had the means to be beastly to Brixton. The Tooth Fairy isn't a myth either.

           

                                               Mad Tony 'I'm a Believer' Blair

Blair  robustly defended his decision to take Britain to war against Saddam Hussein in 2003 because he believed "beyond doubt" that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

In three hours of powder puff examination at the Chilcot inquiry this morning, the deranged former prime minister insisted the joint intelligence committee's assessments were consistently strong that Iraq had a WMD programme.

"It was at least reasonable for me at the time, given this evidence of what the JIC was telling me, that this was a threat I should take very seriously," he said.

"All the intelligence we received was to the same effect. There were people perfectly justifiably and sensibly also saying that you cannot sit around and wait ... you have got to take action clearly and definitively.

                Tiny Tim                          

"I decided that this intelligence justified our [understanding] that Saddam continued to pose a significant WMD threat."

Blair's only concession was that tabloid headlines in the run-up to the war that Iraq had weapons it could deploy in 45 minutes ( his henchman John Reid, the Tiny Tim, hawked that one around every TV station for weeks), should have been corrected by the government. But he maintained that the figure only later took on a significance that had not been appreciated at the time.

He said he had sought to give the Bush administration the assurance that it would not act alone. The absolute issue was weapons of mass destruction and that a brutal regime could not be allowed to develop them.

Gosh!

THE NAVY LARK - BUMBLING ROYAL NAVY CREWS SUPPLY SOMALI PIRATES WITH FOOD AND WATER, SAYS DAILY MAIL REPORT

Suspected Somali pirates captured by the Royal Navy are being given fuel, food and water and sent on their way.

In three cases they were released even though hostages had been found on board their vessels.

The extraordinary revelations by Defence Minister Baroness Taylor will add to concern about the role of the Navy in tackling piracy.

                       'Give us some provisions and we'll go away gents.'

In November it emerged that a Navy ship had stood by as pirates kidnapped British sailors Paul and Rachel Chandler. They are still being held and threatened with death by their captors.

Baroness Taylor said there had been four instances in the last year when heavily armed gangs operating off Somalia had been given supplies on humanitarian grounds. None of the 66 suspects captured by the Navy in the last year have been taken into custody.

One former Navy commander said the Navy appeared to be operating a 'maritime welfare system' rather than enforcing law on the high seas.

Mike Critchley, publisher of Warship World magazine, said: 'I feel pretty sorry for Navy officers these days who have to phone a lawyer in London before they are allowed to do anything.

'In the old days the captain would have been told to just go and sort it out.

   FRUIT AND NUT BRIGADE ON THE WAY
                                                             January 25 2010

Just when we thought Sammy Bin Liner had settled down in his Afghan cave with his Father Ted boxed set of DVDs, up pops another warning that he is still keen to do us some mischief.

 
  Chief nutcase - Sammy Bin Liner

A team of non-Arabic female suicide bombers, (Sammy's Angels),  has been sent to attack targets in the West, it is reported.

Security officials have been warned to be on the look-out for the women, carrying Western passports, who are believed to have escaped an attack on an Al Qaeda terror camp in Yemen.

Former White House counter-terrorism adviser Richard Clarke said: 'There are others who are still out there who have been trained and who are clean skins - that means people who we do not have a record of, people who may not look like Al Qaeda terrorists, who may not be Arabs and may not be men. They have trained women.'

A U.S. air strike on Christmas Eve is believed to have killed many suicide bombers being trained in Yemen, but some are thought to have escaped.

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the former British student accued of trying to detonate a bomb on a plane over Detroit on Christmas Day, told the FBI several other people trained with him in Yemen.

Female suicide bombers have previously struck in Iraq and Israel but security sources regard the use of western-looking women for Al Qaeda attacks on the U.S. or Europe as 'inevitable'.

The warning came as Britain's security threat was raised to 'peeved' - the second-lowestr level - ahead of two London conferences on Afghanistan and Yemen.

They will be attended by leading figures from 60 countries, including U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great plague of 1666.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Cower" to "Wet Pants." The only two higher levels in France are "Collude" and "Surrender."  The rise was precipitated by a recent re that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks [the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath], New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is ‘Croikey, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us.' In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate." Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!"; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." There has never been a situation that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.